It’s no secret that I have long-standing, one-sided beef with The Guardian’s Lifestyle Desk. Based on nothing but diabolical headlines, I am convinced the editors are trolling me. Over the years, I’ve honed the craft of letting it go, making the odd exception for Pouch Gate and anything related to Chris van Tulleken.
I wasn’t more than a few paragraphs in before I had the overwhelming urge to throw my laptop out of the window. The premise is this: the writer, Ellie Violet Bramley, thinks that kids’ menus in restaurants are too… beige, I guess? That fish and chips and peas are somehow an affront to four year olds everywhere. It’s not clear what the nature of her issue is exactly, but there is an issue for sure. She cites another writer, Mallika Basu, who says that kids’ menus that offer foods like fish and chips and sausages and mash ‘... reinforces a very boring, bland and beige diet … that will never improve unless they offer something exciting and adventurous to try’. Scandalous.
Bramley then embarks on a month-long quest to challenge her four year old to eat from more ‘adventurous’ kids’ menus – including a five course tasting menu at a Michelin starred restaurant in Mayfair.
A couple of questions, real quick.
What the actual fuck?
And.
In this economy??
As I was reading this piece, I remembered an encounter I’d had when Avery was around the same age as Bramley’s kid is now. We were in a Japanese restaurant when a couple of kids and their parents sat down next to us. There was no concept of a kids’ menu at this place, but both kids got what I assume was a chicken katsu curry with white rice and some veg. Relatively simple, fairly kid friendly. Regardless, neither kid touched their food. Meanwhile, my four year old was shovelling noodles into his face, (no doubt with his hands), popping edamame beans out of their pods, spooning miso soup and dipping kappamaki in soy sauce. I could feel the mother’s eyes sear into me from the next table over. And I knew exactly why. From a distance, it looked like my kid was an ‘adventurous’ eater. What I wanted to yell over to her was ‘IT’S NOT HOW IT LOOKS, THESE ARE THE ONLY HANDFUL OF FOODS HE’LL EAT’. I wanted to tell her that our kids were the same and she was doing a good job and she didn't need to worry, they'll get there. Things haven’t exactly improved in terms of A's eating in the two years since. But he’s growing well and doing well at school and generally healthy. I have no concerns; there’s no pressing need for me to expand his palate. This is not a nutritional emergency and I don’t need to stage a kids’ menu intervention.
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