Welcome to ‘Dear Laura’ - a monthly column where I fashion myself as an agony aunt and answer the questions that readers submit. If you’d like to send in a question for me to answer next month, you can submit it here.
I’m happy to answer Qs about anti-diet nutrition, developing a more peaceful relationship to food and weight-inclusive health, annoying diet trends and news stories, body image challenges, and, of course, challenges with feeding your kiddos. Please give as much detail as you’re comfortable with and let me know if you’d like me to include your name or keep it anon.
Please remember that these answers are for educational purposes only and are not a substitute for medical or nutritional advice; please speak to your GP or a qualified nutrition professional if you need further support.
If you need 1-1 support, I am currently taking on new clients. I can support with a range of nutrition-related issues through a weight-inclusive and mindbody-affirming lens. I especially enjoy working with parents around their children's eating difficulties and how that might intersect with the parent's own relationship with food and their body. If you'd like to find out how I might be able to help, contact hello@laurathomasphd.co.uk to arrange a complimentary 15 minute call.
Dear Laura,
I think my 4yo eats well at home and enough at school, she enjoys food and is healthy. But she doesn’t eat when with my parents at their house - quantity is the main issue I’d say - even firm favourites get left. They feed her once a week, an evening meal, so it’s no great shakes from my point of view as she just has a snack or second meal when she gets home (though it would be nice to have that labour taken away!). But it’s really upsetting them. I have tried to get them to be curious about how to either lower the pressure (she gets easily distracted at the table and is sensory seeking so doesn’t tend to eat when we have guests either) or work on felt safety around meals but they don’t have the tools to do this, instead they’ve decided she’s more broadly fussy and keep asking about it, as well as fretting that I should be doing something.
They’ve really narrowed what they offer her, do TV dinners to get more in her rather than just spending quality time, offer games on the iPad straight after the meal so now she’s accelerating to that; and have not taken on my idea of a shared buffet where she helps herself (they kind of do a mini one just for her which to me would feel intense). Should I shut chats about it down? Bring her home before they need to feed her? Lean in? Argh.
Al
I’m inclined to agree with you when you say ‘it’s no great shakes’. So she eats twenty meals a week instead of twenty one. In the grand scheme of things, it’s no biggie, right?
In many ways, making it a thing; singling her out with her own personal buffet; trying to ‘fix’ her is probably making it a bigger deal than it needs to be. Pushing an adult agenda when it comes to feeding kids almost always backfires, because kids perceive it as pressure.
Most children will be amped to hang out with their grandparents. If it’s just once a week, my guess is that it feels special to her. A treat! We all know what happens when the treats feel scarce, right?
I don’t think there’s anything unusual about her behaviour; certainly it is not a pathology.
If it were me, I’d want to tell the grands to back off. Explain that she’s excited to see them (which in and of itself kills appetite) and spend time with them and it’s fine that she doesn’t eat much. Let her have some snacks and then feed her when she gets home if she’s still hungry.
That said, I hear you in that they don’t seem to be responding to your suggestions so here are a few things you could offer them if you think they’ll respond more to practical changes. Here are some thoughts...
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